Posts Tagged ‘phony news’

Still nothing irregular at the Grove entrance, but The "Writer" knows otherwise.

The “Writer decided to try his hand at reasoning. A large congregation of black helicopters , though a bit off-putting , does not in and of itself indicate R.B.S.* on the radar. It could be a legitimate military presence as added security for a very special group of Bohemians. But those strange pod-shaped attachments, what could they contain? And the array of silver tubes? Way too ominous. Especially with the huge crowd of Americans sure to show up for the big BoHo Show less than a week away, and the hidden heliport less than a mile from the Monte Rio Amphitheater. This will not do.

The end result of the thought processes described above was that The “Writer” sat himself down in front of the TV (where the Giants were clinging to a 2 to 1 lead in the bottom of the 5th @ Arizona) calmly took out a fresh sheet of shiny magic paper, picked up his Pilot Precise V7 Rolling Ball Pen, and proceeded to write:

From the “Santa Rosa Press Democrat”, 7/24/2010

“Well, I know those helicopters weren’t chocolate when they woke me out of a sound sleep at 2AM, with their whop-whop-whoppin’. Stealth, my ass.” said Railroad Avenue resident , Don Godair.

If those sound like the comments of a rational man you should have no problem believing the rumors that have been spreading like LSD-laced peanut butter throughout the small resort town of Monte Rio. Some of the locals take seasonal employment at the grove and they are hearing and repeating some pretty strange stuff.

Where there’s strange stuff you often find black helicopter sightings and these stories are no exception. First came the calls from residents of homes in the vicinity of The Bohemian Grove, most complaining of the sound, some reporting visual sightings. Then the report of a maintenance worker who had stumbled onto a hidden heliport on his rounds was circulated around local watering holes. Supposedly he was alarmed by the number of black helicopters he saw there and was particularly nervous about the strange pod-shaped tanks attached to the choppers. When he returned to see if they were still there later in the evening he found the heliport lit up by several powerful spotlights. He described a scene of chaos: black clad military types, cursing and moving around what appeared to be giant dark chocolate versions of the black helicopters he had seen earlier. Stranger yet is his claim to have seen two rugged looking operatives break off a tail section of one of the choppers and jump back as a cascade of creamy white filling gushed from the cracked copter to glisten in the bright glare of the spotlight. Knowing that no one would be likely to believe so strange a tale, he returned at dawn the next day to see if he could retrieve some kind of evidence of the last evenings hi-jinx. Several of his bar mates claim to have seen the chunk of chocolate that he brought out of his weathered backpack. One said it was as large as a human head and still coated on one side with a creamy residue.

When asked to comment on the persistent rumors of dark chocolate helicopters Grove spokesperson, Rock Hardplace, retorted, “Please!”, as his limo window hissed shut and he roared away, leaving this reporter in the dust and this tiny community clouded in mystery.

And that is how The “Writer” dispatched a threatening brood of Black Death Angels with a single phony news story. (Eat your heart out Jon Stewart.)

But there ‘s still another few days before the BoHo Show. Plenty of time to thwart a couple more nefarious plots. The “Writer” smiled, appreciating the challenge and mentally dedicating himself to the safety of his beloved but weird little community. He also smiled, appreciating the explosion of offense that had brought the Giants from behind to a 6 to 4 lead in the bottom of the 7th.

This frozen moment of excellence was utterly shattered by frantic Gojira barking, thumps and rattles, meowling of a cat, sparking noises, bright flashes and an acrid smell, all going on just outside the door to the mobile mansion.

In the light of the full moon The “Writer” could make out The Cat With No Name astride a dark writhing rodent with flashing red eyes, sparks spraying from its broken neck. Its tail was lashing about so fast it was almost invisible. The Illuminati had sent another of their unholy electronic minions to monitor his every move.

The elation he’d felt only moments before was history as he used his Jack Daniels Worlds Fair Memorial Walking Stick to finish off TCWNN’s handiwork. It took four satisfying blows to extinguish the hellish light from the digital demon’s eyes.

*RBS- Really Bad S**t

The "Writer" displays the business end of his lethal Jack Daniels Worlds Fair Memorial Walking Stick.